I Have Done Homework But I Have Forgotten My Notes at Home

Long-forgotten yet intact hiding somewhere inside my heart, I bumped into this phrase while reading this novel by Varun Agrawal going by the name of ‘How I Braved Anu Aunty and Co-founded a Million Dollar Company’. There was a chapter titled ‘Mother Swear’ (my best guess) which quoted incidents describing the trickeries we used as kids to deceive teachers. That’s when this phrase met my eyes. As I allowed it to scratch the layers of my heart, dig deep within, it brought back my childhood memories.

‘I have done homework but I have forgotten my notes at home’ is mostly everyone’s favorite childhood cliché. I remember cashing on the popularity and success of this excuse many a times myself. It would work like a charm every time. In the eyes of teachers we were like innocent puppies, well not all of us but most of us. So like well-versed strategists we employed this vulnerability of teachers in the quest of not doing homework and yet escaping from punishment. And there were many variations; it wasn’t completely boring and bland.  ‘At home’ was just a flagship variation of the series of excuses. In fact sometimes the variations were so funny and hilarious that I would impatiently wait for homework-checking-session; provided that I myself had done my homework.

I still remember one of my friends saying, ‘While I was doing my homework, a buffalo came from nowhere and swallowed my notes.’ I have no idea how he mustered courage to say this, nor have I any knowledge of how stupid he thought the teacher was. What I remember is his cheek paying the price of his tongue’s bad. Some other bizarre yet fathomable versions went like this: ‘Ms. I really did it, but my kid sister tore the pages of my homework.’ ‘It was right here before the recesses, someone must have stolen it.’ And the classic one, ‘Ma’am I did not attend the last session so I did not know what the homework was (there were no cell phones, no 140-character-attacks to bombard the notes of every session).

Teachers had always this one favorite comeback, ‘Why did you not forget to eat food.’ Well, we always had answers ready on the tip of our tongue; it’s too obvious food is basic need, homework is not and yet did not dare reply and just patiently waited until teacher stopped word-slapping us. Initially the teachers happily, skeptically or unhappily swallowed our bald-faced-lies, but soon the lies went viral and teachers caught the wind of our ingenious conspiracy. It was then that they nailed the coffin of this golden savior and categorized it under the list of punishable offense. That’s when the things took turn for the worse. The teachers began doubting our insincere sincerity and always bear in mind that a cynical teacher is more dangerous than a wounded giraffe.

Teachers began questioning us like Interpol would drill criminals with history. They started asking us to go back home and bring the notes, call parents to testify whether we really did homework or not, call in the culprits who either with childish innocence or in cold revenge misplaced, stole or tore down the notes. It inspired or rather threatened us to extend our conspiracy and tell a series of more lies; and not heaps of lies, in fact a whole mountain range of it.

But in the end we would surrender to the pressure of ruler on the palm or a slap on the cheek. And then either we were made to bend over and touch our toes or were made to suffer the embarrassment of Murgha Punishment. If ever in my life I felt like abandoning the materialistic comforts of life, it were those moments. In the worst cases teachers would ask us to write five reasons why we didn’t do homework. Of course that should be a piece of cake, except for the fact that we had to get it signed by our parents! Forget about the reasons, with what face you go to your parents and ask them to accompany you in your treachery! Anyway, I am the kind of soul who would appreciate a good idea, even if it has come from my archrival. So let me tell you, whoever invented this idea, must be a genius. Because with this, teachers didn’t even had to touch us and still they got us slapped (ya, beaten too) by our parents.

It won’t be exaggeration to say that climax of unfinished-homework episodes shared striking similarities with that of an action-thriller movie. After all hell breaking loose, we would finally put an end to the chapter, by vouching never to do it again.

You remember that famous saying by William Shakespeare, ‘All's well that ends well.’? Well, it never got along with me. After remaining obedient for a while, I would find my head in the same old trouble again; I have done homework but I have forgotten my notes at home.

Social Taboos of Farting

There is more to farting than meets the eye, or for that matter ear! And it met my eyes when recently I was watching this TVC of Vodafone. In this new dose of ZooZoo ad, a celebrity steps out of his (his because it is suggestively Bappi Lahiri) car, and right then makes the social gaffe of farting. So in that moment it struck me. Much has been written on sugary-sweet topics of love and romance but half as much literature has been dedicated to the clumsy idea of farting. But let me tell you something, not everyone in life walks on the path of love, but I would bet my best fart on it, that if everyone during their lifetime records their each fart, the compilation at the time of their death would be lengthy enough to beat the runtime of even Return of The Kings! So here, let’s take a plunge in the world of farting.

Let’s start with the definition. Fart, in my opinion, is a piece of music that nobody wants to listen to, but everybody has to play. Yes, there is a universal atrocity prevailing towards farting. So much so that once in a bizarre incident in West Virginia State of US a man was held for farting on a police officer. In another such oddball episode, a man in Baltimore city of US was formally reprimanded in a 5 page letter for shooting farts at work place. Thus evidently even if there is no country listing farting as a criminal offense, consequences of farting surely levels a criminal offense. If you fart in public place, people will stare at you as if you are a disciple of He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named. Some people even believe that it is far better to have a cat cross your path than to have a fart cross your anus! There is an undefined guideline of instances when you cannot fart. For example farting during interview is as good as farting on your job offer, farting during sex makes you lose boner (i.e. if you are not on Viagra). The list of fart-makes-you-loser moments, finds no end. But enough with the negativities of farting! Let’s take a less travelled route and peep into its positivities as well.

No matter how rich or poor you are, no matter what status you hold in the society, fart treats everyone with equal respect. Or disrespect. This way, it teaches us lessons of equality; something such that in the achievement of what even the most sacred religious scriptures have met with debacle. See, there is always a flipside to everything. In fact, I have read somewhere that farting after a meal is received as a compliment in some parts of china and Japan. But of course, try it at your own risk; funny advices don’t come with warranty cards.

Fart can also be used figuratively in the war against pollution. How? Some time ago a Chinese millionaire pulled a bizarre yet tongue-in-cheek stunt. To give a wakeup call to people about the rapidly increasing pollution, he manufactured and sold fresh air cans at a price of 80¢ per can. A variety of flavors were named such as Pristine Tibet, Post Industrial Taiwan etc. Next day leading tabloids around the world published photos of some Chinese people drinking fresh air from the cans. But there is a strong belief that people tend to react more aggressively when they come into contact with negative energy. So why not expose them to air filled with foul-smelling farts? Of course, that sounds disgusting and no one would volunteer to take part in such a nose-terrifying stunt. But that’s the point, first you make them suffer fart-attack then preach that if not stopped, pollution will make air unbreathable.

Ok, if you ask why not sell polluted air straight away, well, simply because it is noxious and harmful to health. On the other hand foul-smelling-farts are pretty much innocent!

I have a lot of things to talk about farting, like when to fart and when not to, how to recognize farting alerts (of course one’s own) etc. etc. But that I will continue some next time. I think this much dose of farts is enough for a while!

By the way, in homeopathy, people say that if a substance can cause certain symptoms in a healthy person, the same substance can also cure symptoms in a sick person. Does it mean that a frequent-farter can be cured if left vulnerable to smell own farts?

There and Back Again, a Fairyland Close to Millions of Hearts

It was one of the usual nights. Time was something past eleven. I was all set for my late-night movie show; earphones equipped in my ears, and my lap caressing laptop. Particularly curious, to discover what a prequel to my favorite trilogy had to unravel. As soon as I begun to lose myself in the eye-enchanting cinematography and ear-pleasing sweet melody of The Hobbit, an Unexpected Journey, all the memories of past came flooding back to me.

I remember the first time I watched Lord of The Rings (LOTR). It was a Saturday night, I was just kid then. I and my brother had bought a 3-disc CD of Fellowship of the Ring. It absorbed me like a magnet; I was moved to the core. It left an everlasting impact on my tender mind. The same feelings welled up inside my heart, when I watched this sweet mythological melancholy dissolve itself into the unknown lands; from where it came; in the next two parts.

I believe without a shadow of doubt that if you have indeed felt this story by heart, you must have, at least once, wanted to play in the placid greenery of Shire, wanted to wander in the elvish terrains of Rivendell, wanted to venture into those mystic caves of Moria and magical forest of Fangorn, wanted to fight those legendary battles and last but not the least on the wish list, craving to go in the city of devil, Minas Tirith and Mordor.

The fascinating story-teller Bilbo, who even if being a heartwarming Hobbit, can’t resist the dark powers of the Ring. The puzzling wizard Gandalf whose nuggets of wisdom guide the fellowship.  The naughty and playful Merry and Pippin, who have a knack of finding themselves in the trouble. The brave-heart Aragon, and his fearless companions Gimli and Legolas. The protagonist Frodo and  soul-touching friendship of Sam. Its characters, story and interwoven subplots, music, sets everything is so captivating and enigmatic!

If LOTR is magic, Hobbit, I would say, is magical and should not be compared with LOTR. While LOTR was more on the darker side, Hobbit unfolds lighter elements. In any case, I am more than happy to run in that fairyland again, as any die-hard fan, any curious child would.

For Those Who Despise Gandhi

Immaterial is the question, whoever it is, only that of a man lost in his soul and deeply inhuman, would bear the shame in its heart of having disdain for Gandhi. He was the man of courage who not only marched on the right path himself, but also inspired millions other. That though, having been foretold many times, does nothing to mitigate its true value.

Where the politicians of this age figure it quite unmanageable to maintain a line of discipline, he with mere noble thoughts in his mind had mastered himself in the art of doing so. The whole nation danced upon his words.

We are indebted to him and to all other freedom fighters. They shed their blood for ‘SWARAJ’.  Even today their glorious deeds sow seeds in hearts of many to rise on the path of a rebel.